Mr. Udall!
- Carol the waitress? - Yes.
The doctors gave me your address. I'm sorry about the hour.
If you...
- If it's about thanking me... - That's not why I'm here.
Though it's nice to talk to a real doctor about Spencer.
Note. Put it in a note.
- I have a hairdryer. - Why did you do this for me?
- So you'd come back to work. - That sounds strange.
I'm worried you did this...
Are you waiting for me to say something?
Look...
- I'll be there tomorrow. - I need to clear this up now.
Clear what up?
I'm not going to sleep with you. I will never sleep with you.
Not ever!
I'm sorry, but...
...we don't open for the no-sex oaths until 9 a.m.
- I'm not kidding. - Anything else?
Just... thank you.
So you will be at work tomorrow?
Yes.
"Never", she said.
I took a chance you were up.
I brought you some Chinese soup.
Thanks.
I've never been this tired in my life.
I haven't been sleeping.
I haven't been clear in my head or felt like myself.
I'm in trouble.
It's not just the tiredness.
- Sick. Nauseous. - Sleepy.
Everything looks distorted and everything inside aches.
You can barely find the will to complain.
I'm glad we did this.
Good talking to you.
- Still writing that thank-you note? - How do you spell "conscience"?
C-O-N-S-C-I-E-N-C-E.
Look, I got Sean to babysit so we could go out.
I don't feel safe leaving Spencer with someone.
Spencer's okay. Start finding something to do with your free time.
Sean, are you hungry?
We got pizza. Sausage, pepperoni. You want to make this later?
We are going out, like people do.
If you can't feel good about this break and step out a little, -
- then you ought to have Mr. Udall send you over a psychiatrist.
I don't need one. I know what's going on here.
I must finish this letter first. This can't be right? Con-science?
Carol!
What?
It's very weird not feeling that...
...stupid panic thing inside me.
Without that, I start thinking about myself.
And what good does that ever get anybody?
Today on the bus there was this adorable couple.
And I felt myself...
...giving them a dirty look.
I just had no idea. Everything was...
Go ahead.
Moving in the wrong direction.
Away from a time when I remembered what it was like to have a man...
...to hold fucking...
...hands with.
I felt almost really bad that Dr. Bettes is married.
Which is probably why I make Spence hug me more than he wants to.
He has to make up for his Mom not getting any.
- Who needs these thoughts? - So, are you frustrated?
Leave me be. What is it you want?
Does getting me thinking about all that's wrong have some purpose?
Really, Mom, what is it you want?
- What? - I want us to go out.
- Thank you. - I'll send you a thank-you note.
That's why you brought me here?
Well, it's not even mine. Simon has enough on his mind.
But the dog did throw up twice last night.
- Take him to the vet. - I did. His stomach's out of whack.
- They need him a couple of days. - Well, do it...
Sorry.
- This is for later. - What's this?
- It's a note. - A note?
- A thank-you note. - No thank you.
- You can read it later. - No thank-you note. No, no.
Thank you.
- She's nice. - Yeah, really nice.
Shouldn't that be a good thing, saying, "No thanks required"?
Sure looks like it went over, too.
Look at you.
You're making the rounds. Simon says you brought him soup.
- What? - You think I'm a mark...
You helped with the dog. I'm as concerned about Simon as you are.
- Concerned? - He needs more than money.
He must go to Baltimore to ask his parents for money tomorrow.
They have to help. It's the rules.
That's great. Let them help him.
Only...
...I got a painter coming through, so I'm out.
- Can you drive him? - Think white and get serious!
Take my car? A convertible.
- Do you drive? - Yes. But I'm not doing it.
Getting loud.
- He wants me to take his car... - I want your problems.
Somebody offers me a convertible so I can get out of this city...
- Go ahead, girl. - Okay. I'll do it.
I'll take him. Get him packed. Tomorrow morning I'll take him.
I'll see you tomorrow. Let's not drag this out.
If there's some health foundation for people like you, let me know.
- Last-word freak. - Good luck, lady.
- Anything else? - Yeah.
I'm going to give my queer neighbor a lift to Baltimore.
What I did for you... It's working out?
What you did changed my life.
No!
No thank-you note.
Well, part of what I said in this entire history of my life -
- is that you have done more for my mother, my son...
...and me than anybody else ever has.
I'm just going to read you this part of it
"That makes you the most generous person I ever met in my life."
"And you're going to be in our daily prayers, forever."
Lovely.
I also wrote one part... I wrote that I was sorry.
I was talking about how I was sorry when I got mad at you -
- when you told my son that he ought to answer back.
I wrote that I was sorry about that. I'm sorry for that night...
...when I said that I was never...
I'm sorry for every time your food was cold and you had to wait.
And I'm sorry for never spotting the human being that did this for us.
I'll just start from the beginning.
"I have not been able to express my gratefulness to you."
"The word grateful doesn't begin to tell you what I feel."
That's nice of you. Thank you.
Thank you.
Now I want you to do something for me.
I'm sorry. Didn't I say "what"? I thought I did.
- What? - I want you to go on this trip.
- No, sir. - I can't do this without you.
He might pull the stiff one-eye on me. I need you to chaperone.
You said you liked convertibles. Now I'm on the hook. Two days.
- I can't. My son. - Bettes said he's doing fine.
- Melvin, I'd rather not. - Write a note. Ain't she sweet?
- I need a hand and where is she? - Your help obligates me?
Is there any other way to see it?
No.
Here's a little suitcase. Shocked that it's being used.
There's no way to pack for this trip.
- You're still coming, aren't you? - Yes.
Melvin, exactly where are we going?
Just south of Baltimore. I know what you're going to say.
I mean... I think I know.
- I'm not sure, but I think so. - Should I bring something dressy?
Will we be eating in restaurants that have dress codes?
Maybe...
- Yes. Let's... Let's. - Okay.
- What did you think I'd ask? - Whether crabs were in season now.
Okay, then. Goodnight.
- Anything unusual in his diet? - No.
Everybody gets their own cage? Put him in with that one.
Lip kiss.
I love you. I'll miss you... Real sensitive.
- Bye. - Call when you're settled.
- Have a good time. - Don't run!
Have fun, but don't run.
- I'm sorry I'm not taking you. - So am I, Frank.
Give me a hug.
Everything's going to be okay.
Soak it up. It's your last chance for a hug for a few days.
Hello.
Thank you for being on time.
Carol the waitress. Simon the fag.
Holy God. Who did that to you?
I was attacked. I walked in on some men robbing me.
And I was hospitalized.
- I almost died. - Let's do the small talk later.
- I was going to do that. - Where should we sit?
- There's no place cards. - You need room.
So I'll sit in the back.
Never a break. Never.
Thank you. It was very thoughtful.
- You look like you're crowded. - It's all right.
Thanks.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
I've got the whole trip programmed.
I just wanted to see what you'd do.
TO USE AS ICEBREAKER
We've got good stuff here.
I like this music.
I'm sure they did something really off.
But something will always be off for you, unless you set it straight.
And maybe this thing happened to you to give you a chance to do that.
Nonsense. You want to know why?
Anyone interested in what Melvin has to say, raise their hand.
Want to know what happened with my parents?
- When I was... - Wait. I'm going to pull over.
I always painted. And my mom always encouraged me.
She was sort of fabulous about it.
She... I was too young to think there was anything wrong with it.
And she was very natural.
So she used to pose nude for me.
I always thought that my father knew about it.
- This stuff is pointless. - Let him finish.
- Do you want to hear my sad story? - Stop!
Go ahead. Don't let him stop you.
One day he walked in and found us. And he started screaming.
My father didn't come out for 11 years.
He used to hit me with a yardstick if I made a mistake on the piano.
Go ahead, Simon. So he came in and he was yelling?
Please, come on.
He was...
I was defending my mother.
I was trying to make peace in the lamest way.
I said, "She's not naked. It's art."
And he started hitting me.
He beat me unconscious.
And he talked to me less and less. He knew what I was before I did.
The morning I left for college he walked into my room.
He held out his hand. And it was filled with money.
A big sweaty wad of money.
And he said, "I don't want you to ever come back."
I just grabbed him and I hugged him.
And he turned and walked out.
- We all have these stories. - It's not true.
Some of us have great stories.
That take place at lakes with boats and friends and noodle salad.
No one here. But a lot of people. That's their story...
Good times, noodle salad. It's not that you had it bad, -
- but that you're that pissed that so many others had it good.
- No! I don't think so. - Not it at all, really.
Not it at all?
Let's go to the hotel.
You'll see if you can get another wad of sweaty money out of his hand.
Can I ask you a personal question?
Sure.
You ever get an erection over a woman?
- Wouldn't your life be easier? - You consider your life easy?
I give you that one.
Nice packing.
- Hey, Spence. - Hey, Mom. Wait till you hear...
- Why are you out of breath? - Mom, I scored a goal.
- You did? - Yep. He was big. Charlie.
That's great. Oh my God!
- We're playing again. Got to go. - Wait...
- He scored a goal. - I don't believe it.
You would have died.
My son was outside playing soccer.
- Take me out dancing. - Dancing?
- I can't. I'm exhausted. - Oh, come on.
No.
All right.
- Are you sad or something? - No. I'm nervous.
It would be very rough, Carol, if you weren't along.
I'm happy. And you're my date.
Let's get dressed.
I'm going to jump in the shower. I'll be right with you.
All set?
- Do you sell hard-shell crabs? - Yes.
- Do they sell hard-shells? - Yes.
Good evening.
- You have hard-shells, right? - Stop asking.
- You can answer. - Yes, we do.
- I can give you a tie and jacket. - What?
They require a tie and jacket.
No. I'm not putting that on. And I won't let you inject me with plague.
It's a nice place. You dry-clean these all the time, don't you?
I don't think so.
You just wait here.
Good evening.
- I need a coat and tie. - Come on in.
- No? - That one.
And this tie.
Excuse me.
She's here. We saved a table for you.
- Should I get her for you? - No. I'll just watch.
Ma'am...
You look so se...
You look great.
You want to dance?
I've been thinking about that since you brought it up before.
No.
I don't get this place.
They make me buy a new outfit and let you in in a housedress.
What? Wait. Where are you going? Why?
I didn't mean it that way. Sit down.
- Give me the dirty look. - Pay me a compliment, Melvin.
I need one. Quick.
What you just said hurt my feelings.
The minute someone gets that they need you they threaten to walk out.
A compliment is something nice about somebody else.
Now or never.
And mean it.
Can we order first?
Two hard-shell crab dinners... Pitcher of cold beer.
- Baked or fries? - Fries.
- One baked, one fried.
I'll tell your waiter.
I've got a great compliment for you. And it's true.
- I'm afraid it's something awful. - Don't be pessimistic.
Okay. Here I go. Clearly a mistake.
I've got this... ailment.
My doctor, a shrink I used to go to, -
- says that in 50 or 60 percent of the cases a pill really helps.
I hate pills. Very dangerous thing.
I'm using the word "hate" here about pills.
My compliment is, the night you came over and told me you would never...
All right, you know what you said.
My compliment to you is, -
- the next morning I started taking the pills.
How is that a compliment for me?
You make me want to be a better man.
That's maybe the best compliment of my life.
Maybe I overshot a bit to keep you from walking out.
How's it going with those pills? Good, I hope, I hope, I hope.
It's little by little.
It's exhausting talking like this. Exhausting.
Do you ever let a romantic moment make you do something stupid?
Never.
Here's the trouble with never.
- You don't owe me that. - That wasn't payment.
When I first saw you I thought you were handsome.
Then, of course, you spoke.
So now that your... soft underbelly is all exposed...
Tell me, why did you bring me here?
Well, I...
- That's a personal question. - Tell me, even if you're scared.
- Scared? - Tell me why you wanted me here.
If you ask me, I'll say yes.
I...
There's a lot of reasons.
- If you had sex with Simon... - What?
- That's just one idea. - That's why you brought me?
Like I'm a what? And I owe you what?
I don't know why I brought you. It was just one thought.
It came out first.
You kiss him... me... You two seemed to hit it off.
Wait. I didn't mean... Forget what I said about Simon.
- I'll never forget it. - A mistake.
It was a mistake.
Hello, this is Fred Bishop. We're unable to take your call.
- Leave a message. - Say goodbye... and thank you.
It's Simon.
I'm in town.
You've never been out later than ten o'clock. Pick up the phone.
Really.
I'm going to try you in the morning. I need to see you.
Or at least get you to answer the phone.
How are you?
- Is this going to be your room? - Our room. I don't want to see him.
- What happened? - Don't ask.
- Can you not be so violent? - I don't think so.
I'm taking a big bath.
Are you okay?
Don't ask. I'm tired of my complaints.
- What are you thinking about? - How to die, mostly.
Can you believe, in our little mix you're the good roommate?
Goodnight.
Hold it.
I have to draw you.
- I have to draw you. - No.
- I'm more shy than people think. - I have to.
- I haven't sketched in weeks. - Stop staring. Do a vase.
But you're beautiful, Carol. Your skin, your long neck.
The back. The line of you.
You're why cavemen chiselled on walls.
Cut me a break.
The next thing I know she's sitting next to me.
It's not right to go into details. I got nervous.
I said the wrong thing.
Where, if I hadn't, -
- I could be in bed now with a woman who...
If you make her laugh, you got a life.
Instead, I'm here with you.
No offence, but a moron pushing the last legal drug.
Jameson, soda back.
I don't care how you put this. We're being naughty here, pal.
No, this is... This is great. This is so great.
My hand won't even keep up. Hold it.
- I'm just turning. - But hold that.
My hand's not even bothering me.
I can't get the angle with this cast.
Careful.
PRIVACY
I'm coming in. It's late.
- Did you have sex with her? - Don't you want your shampoos?
Sorry.
I didn't know she was still here... Did you have sex with her?
To hell with sex. It was better than sex. We held each other.
What I need, he gave me great. I'll get dressed in a hurry.
I just love her.
How are you doing?
- Mom, hi. - Hello, Simon.
- You were right. We were home. - Do you have to whisper?
- I'm not a screamer. - It was lucky you didn't answer.
- Your father is not feeling well. - I can't hear you.
- Hold on. - What are you going to do?
- I get why you're angry with me... - He's talking to his parents.
Listen to me. Truly no grudges.
It was odd that you didn't come and see me when you heard I was hurt.
- We almost did. - I don't want to talk about it.
The important thing is that your son is happy.
- I'm working again. - Good. About money...
No. I'll drop you a line. It's up to you to make the next move.
He's going to want to stay. And they'll take a ride to the lake.
- Bye-bye. - Goodbye, dear.
We'll probably have a five-hour drive. It'll give us a chance to...
- I'm coming. - What about your parents?
- No. I'll take care of myself. - What are you talking about?
- You've got real problems. - I know. I'm a little bit nervous.
Suddenly everything seems so easy.
Carol, a load has been lifted.
- One night with me. - You think you're kidding.
- No choice. - I've got a gift for you.
Let me see... Gorgeous.
Do it. And get the dog picked up. I can't believe he let it stay there.
Goodbye.
Your luck's running.
They sub-let your place. You're homeless.
- Frank's got a line on a new place. - Where?
Does it matter?
No, it doesn't.
I'm fine. Like the hat?
I'm sorry.
FOR EMERGENCY USE ONLY
- I don't want to hear that music. - You said you liked it.
- This one has a meaning. - I don't want to hear it.
Here's the keys to my apartment.
Go up there and wait and I'll take Carol home.
- I'll take a bus. - No, I'll take you.
Can you come here?
- I don't care what you did for me. - What's wrong?
I don't want to know you any more. All you do is make me feel bad.
You have my number.
- Let him take you home. - Don't want to.
- I love you. - I love you too.
Don't say anything.
I've got to get a hold of Frank and see where I'm hanging my hat.
I think you're going to have to camp it here.
There's Verdell!
Mommy and Daddy are home.
Sorry. You're fun to mess with.
They rented your place furnished. Jackie said she'd bring your things.
They were going to set you up in here. It's an extra room.
- It's got good light. - I'm coming.
It's nice. Looks good.
They've even got your music, paintings, paints.
I have to say they did a good job.
It's going to be okay. Cozy, huh?
Thank you, Melvin. You overwhelm me.
I love you.
I'd be the luckiest guy alive if that did it for me.
Make yourself at home.
Anything else in the bag?
But I was playing soccer while you were away.
I love my cookbook.
It's got wonderful recipes. It says something with a shark.
Shark with a bite. Would you like that, Spencer?
And some cookies here called Wasps' Nests.
Where is my big hairy boy?
Where is he? Where is my beautiful boy?
Sweetheart!
- Oh, you're in bed. - No, no.
I just didn't think Verdell should get too comfortable sleeping here.
The dog's already comfortable.
Is this okay?
Hello... Hi, it's me.
He took me in. It's Carol for you.
- Jackie brought it all over... - Just take the dog.
Take the dog.
- Come on. Move fast. Don't limp. - Good luck.
- How are you doing? - Not so hot.
- Why? What's wrong? - Was I sensible or hard on you?
- Maybe both. - Are you being cute or crazy now?
- Cute. - You don't have to answer.
Just listen to me.
It's really something that you're looking after Simon.
And what I said on the street... That was a bad thing to say.
It made me sick to my stomach. It was a bad thing to say.
And I'd be lying if I didn't say I enjoy your company.
But you do bother me. And I know it's better for me...
...to not have contact with you because you're not ready.
You're an old guy to not be ready. And I'm too old to ignore that.
But there were extraordinary kindnesses that did take place.
Anyway. Thanks for the trip.
Goodnight.
Okay if I say something now?
Go ahead.
I should have danced with you.
Goodnight.
- Are you going to talk to me? - I'm coming.
- What did she say? - That I'm a great guy.
And she doesn't want contact with me.
I'm dying here.
- Because... you love her. - No.
And you people are supposed to be sensitive?
Then you tell me why. You're the one who's "dying here".
- Let me sleep on it. - Oh, come on.
- I'll figure it out. - Please...
I'm stuck. I can't get back to my old life.
- She's evicted me from my life. - Did you really like it that much?
It's better than this.
If you're going to give me hope, you've got to do better.
If you can't be mildly interesting, then shut up.
I'm drowning here! And you're describing the water.
Picking on me won't help.
If that's true, I'm really in trouble.
Do you know where you're lucky?
You know who you want.
I would take your seat any day. Do something. Go over there.
Tonight. It's not always good to let things calm down.
You can do this, Melvin.
Tell her how you feel.
- I'm charged. - Yes, you are.
- She might kill me if I go there. - Then stay. I'll read you a story.
The best thing going for you is your willingness to humiliate yourself.
Go over there. Do this. Catch her off guard.
Thanks a lot.
Here I go.
What's wrong?
I forgot to lock the door.
- What do you want? - I'm sorry I woke you up.
I wasn't asleep.
What a break.
Is it a secret what you're doing here?
I had to see you.
Because?
It relaxes me.
I'd feel better sitting outside your apartment on the curb -
- than any other place I can think of or imagine.
That's overstating.
I'd rather be sitting inside so I don't get my feet in the gutter.
Stop. Why can't I just have a normal boyfriend? Why?
A regular boyfriend who doesn't go nuts on me.
Everybody wants that. It doesn't exist.
I'm sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt.
Boyfriend...
Come on in and try not to ruin everything by being you.
Maybe we could live without the wisecracks?
Maybe we could.
It feels a little confined here. Let's take a walk.
It's four in the morning. A walk sounds a little screwy to me.
- If you don't mind. - Well, if you need an excuse...
There's a bakery on the corner that'll be open soon.
That way we're not screwy, but two people that like warm rolls.
- What are you doing? - I want you to hear that song.
And darling I'm never lonely
whenever you're in sight...
Thank you.
I was...
I'm sorry. Whatever this is won't work.
- I'm... - What?
I'm feeling better.
It may seem that way now, but you don't know me all that well.
I'm not the answer for you.
- I've got a compliment for you. - You know what?
Let me talk.
I might be the only person on the earth -
- that knows you're the greatest woman on earth.
I might be the only one who knows how amazing you are.
And how you are with Spencer. Spence.
And in every single thought you have.
How you almost always mean something that's about being straight or good.
Most people miss that about you.
I wonder how they can watch you bring their food and clear tables -
- and never get that they just met the greatest woman alive.
And the fact that I get it makes me feel good...
...about me.
Is that something that it's bad for you to be around?
No.
I'm going to grab you?
I didn't mean for that to be a question. I'm going to grab you.
I know I can do better than that.
Better. Definitely better.
See?
- Want something? - Warm rolls.
Excuse us.